My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
