I just gift wrapped bread.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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