the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
