A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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