she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
