tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
