My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
