I think I died a long time ago.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
