Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
