Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
