thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
