I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
