it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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