He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I need a beard to bite.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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