All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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