I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
