did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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