I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
