i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
