I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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