Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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