Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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