he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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