i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
