I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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