I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
