Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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