just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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