No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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