I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
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i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
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Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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