Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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