I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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