you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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