There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize