smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
