He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
