My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
