I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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