I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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