What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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