I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
