I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Im part way to drunk.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
