you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
