ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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