Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now