well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
