My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
