he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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