Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
