I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
