Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
