She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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