I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
