dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
