What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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