can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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