Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
