Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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