is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
