Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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