I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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